the Update.

But not tonight. You're there and I'm here. I could never tell you this, but every night your body isn't pressed against mine, I have to pack pillows around myself just to fall asleep. But we are just friends, and I'm sure you sleep fine without me.

Sometimes it's ridiculous how true this quote was and can be for me. I may not pack pillows literally all the time, but figuratively i come up with different things to make it feel almost the same. I'm lonely in a place that i made barren. Whether that was with conscious thought is beyond me. At this moment i can't look back and tell you exactly when my mind went haywire or when i started following my emotions more. Honestly i like having a base and when that base isn't present i loose control. I know that my base would be forever present if i chose Him. But instead i lock in my head that He will always be there but i find it comfortable to pick something close. As i think in that way currently it just sounds completely wrong. Like what in my head said that was okay. What kind of looney would pick something that is dubious compared to something concrete that has never let you down. I swear on a good day i'd call myself sick. But on these bad nights i'd call myself desperate. During these final weeks of summer i need to pull myself together to not only get the work i need done, but to also get myself into a healthy place. I haven't been in a healthy place in awhile and i really do miss it. I may be pulling myself to and fro too many times for me to keep sight of my goals. Or i may be lazy and need a good kick, because seriously it seems like nothing is fazing me. Like i have a numbness to loss and pain to a point where i'll feel it for a minute, an hour, a day, or a couple months and still walk on as if i'm fine.... I don't want to get to the point where it gets lethal or rubs off on other people. That would wound and leave traces and i know it. I don't want to get that bad. I want help i do. And i need to actually search and commit to it.